When He Grows Up He Wants To Be The Keebler Elf

and pack fudge. I think he's talented, hopefully his parents will support him and encourage him to keep dancing. He could make the Alvin Ailey Dance Troupe someday . . . or become a tranny and work the pole. Why does he keep doing that drop down stripper bounce move??????

Too Much Beyonce?
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Dukies Make Me Pukie!

Ok, so I had the Blue Devils going to the elite eight in my Charmin bracket, but I'm a girl so what do I know about sports? Better yet, what do I know about anything? Which way is the kitchen?

Erin Go Brah! ;)

Leprechaun Spotted In Mobile - Click Here for more great videos and pictures!

Hide your lucky charms! Happy St. Paddywagon Day!

Acid Gives You Wings!

This is what would happen if Tyrone Biggums and Clayton Biggsby combined and morphed into a white woman. Kids, do not try this at home!

Reason #1003 To Adopt

Mel B. (aka. Scary Spice) at 8 months. Supposedly carrying Eddie Herpes' love child. This DELIRIOUS pair hit off their whirlwind romance by getting matching tattoos. Apparently, after a few days of it all beginning Scare-me Spice had the tranny hooker-lover's name tattooed on her hip and he got a matching tat with her name. I'm sure Tracy Edmonds loooves that - and it's probably on his right butt cheek so she has to look at it everytime she puts on her strap on and gives it to him RAW.

Christian Chicks Keep It Tight For Jesus!

As repentance for my earlier devilish and unChristian-like thoughts and post, I proudly present The Christian Girls' Guide to Spring Break Abstinence

Let the month of March be the only thing that's in like a lion, out like a lamb! Tips on Saving Yourself For Jesus - courtesy of Landover Baptist

During Spring Break, the number one priwhority for unsaved boys (especially lustful colored and avaricious Jewish ones) is to take home the trophy prized by pagans the world over: the sweet, warm blood of a virgin. Every March in Daytona Beach, that prize is attained by spilling the sacred hymen blood of a lily-white Christian girl. Here at Landover Baptist, as our college students make their way toward the godless, gibberish-mumbling shores of Mexico and Florida this Spring, they understand that whether they are a boy slipping on a pair of enormous crotch concealing surfer shorts or a girl covered from knee to chin in a modest one-piece swimsuit, their conservative swimwear is going on the body of the Lord Jesus Christ. And He doesn't like to flop about, displaying His enormous dangling holy parts in public. Yes, Christian youngsters know that the most important thing to remember when they are at the ocean (after the importance of using a 120 SPF so they don't wind up so dark folks think you’re about to knock over a Cancun liquor store) is that mixed-faith beaches are mission fields to share the Good News.

As members of the inferior sex, Christian girls are more easily swayed toward the lures of Satan and anything drunk out of a pineapple. A young lady might have made a commitment to save herself for Jesus and abstain from the filthy, repulsive act from which the beauty of life springs, but it is often times more difficult for them to understand which parts of their body are off limits to the superior sex.

In general, Christian boys are more successful in resisting demonic influences. Indeed, we've heard countless tales of Spring Break sacrifice from our Godly gentlemen, who've sacrificed their pride by resorting to mouth, hiney, and even boy-on-boy canoodling in order to protect their virginity. These are lessons many Baptists boys picked up from Mormon missionaries and can provide a reputation-saving technique for Christian girls hoping to save their precious lady business until after an expensive, catered wedding.

Of course, Christian females have a hard time understanding the different parts of the slimy abyss between their legs -- in part, because they have been forbidden to look. Most Christian ladies don't even realize they have six holes (the number of the beast) through which the devil tries to enter. There is only one however, that upon entry, will destroy an angelic little girlie’s virginity and turn her into a debauched, fornicating Devil’s slut who must be drop-kicked out the back door of our church and sent to the Landover Baptist Home for Wayward Girls and Pastors' Comfort Retreat.

As any Roman Catholic priest who has spent countless hours eying the crotches of buff, young men in swim trunks can tell you, the Lord Jesus isn't the only thing that rises in the Spring. Danger of vaginal penetration lurks on every beach blanket. In preparation for the lurid temptations of Spring Break, our team of Creation Scientists has been kind enough to prepare the chart below. All female church members are required to carry a laminated copy it in their purses at all times as a "map" to guide them safely across the treacherous minefield of teen almost-sex, which is pitted with many a dark and sticky sinkhole intent on sucking young souls into their fetid vortex of sin. Choose the wrong hole and you will have chosen a whole lot of damnation, my teenage friend!

http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news0307/abstinence.html

Tourette's the Guamanian Way

Just because I'm feeling a little devilish (aguagua), I thought I'd get a list together of curse words in Chamorro. Guamanians are some of the friendliest, spam-loving people in the world . . . but we have been known to have potty mouths.

If you ever find yourself in the jewel of the Marianas, you'll know what the locals are saying about you! I've also put a nifty pronounciation key just so you don't put the emPHAsis on the wrong SYLlable.

Lania (LANyeah): $hit

Basta i Malania (BAHstah ee mah-LANyeah): Stop bull$hitting

Kuxika (COCKsickAH): Focker

Kaduka (kahDOOKka) Kaduku (kah-doo-koo): Crazy

Baba (BAHba): Bad

Famakilo Pachot'mu (FAM-key-low PATCH-ot-moo): Shut up

Chilli mu (chee-LEE-moo): one-eye wonder worm

Bebe mu (behbeh-MOO): kagina

Atan baba (AHTan BAHba): Give someone the dirtiest look; Atan baba'ing someone on Guam usually ends in a beat down, involving cousins, uncles, neighborhood folks.

Kunu'yu (con-NOO dzoo): Eat me

Fokai (FUHCKeye): Beat up, Kick ass (see article below on wife beaters)

Pok pok bebe (poke poke BEHbeh): Fat kagina (aka. beef curtains)

Chada Na Nan'ya (Chad ah Nah Non Ya): Literal translation is Your mom's eggs (figurative translation is your moms is a $5 prostitute)

Leche (lehCHEE): Literally means milk, but is used for emphasis, generally in a bad way. ai leche is like ai adai.

Brodie (broDEE): Stupid (this word came to mean stupid/retarded after the Guam Public School System named the public school for all-island 'tards "Chief Brodie Memorial School")

So Easy a Caveman Could Do It

What's Love Got to Do With It?

In light of Ron Artest's latest fiasco, I thought I'd put together a list of all-star wife beaters!

O.J. Simpson
Need I say more? *there is a bad joke in here about pulp, but I’ll refrain*

Ike Turner
EAT THE CAKE, ANNAMAE!! Remember Ike? He beat Tina up with his boot and smacked her for not eating the cake and told her "if you die. i will kill you". 30 some years later, he said about his fiancee, Jeanette, who tours with him "I don't hit this girl here. But I have said to her, 'you do that again, I'm getting in your ass.' And then she never forgets. But with Tina, you can't talk, that was the only way. There may have been another way but I was too busy trying to pay bills, I had 26 people depending on me for a living." (Quote from September 27, 1993 issue of Jet Magazine)

James Brown
This is a man's world . . . singer James Brown was arrested and charged with criminal domestic violence for allegedly shoving his wife, Tomi Rae Brown, to the ground and threatening her with a chair. In 1988, Brown was charged with assaulting his then-wife Adrienne, but the charges were dropped when she refused to testify against him.

“Stone Cold” Steve Austin
WWE wrestler “Stone Cold” Steve Austin, turned himself in to police on charges of assaulting his wife, fellow WWE performer Debra Williams.

Sugar Ray Leonard
This was disappointing. I used to love Sugar Ray! He smacked his wife around with his fists and threw her about the house on more than one occasion and threw lamps, mirrors, etc at her.


Jose Canseco
Rammed his first wife’s car with his own, then five years later was back in court after hitting his second wife. Let's say it together now, "roid rage"

Riddick Bowe
Police arrived at the Bowe house on Long Island and found Riddick’s wife, Terri Bowe, “suffering from cuts and bruises”. Bowe was arrested again after that incident on a domestic violence charge of second-degree assault, less than a week before he was scheduled to begin serving a prison sentence for abducting his first wife, Judy, and their five children.

Barry Bonds
After a game one afternoon, Mrs. Bonds wanted to hang out with some friends but Barry told her that she could not leave the house “until the children were fed their dinner.” Soo, she fed the kids and went out. She came back home that night only to face the major league slugger. According to police reports, Barry threw his wife against the car, grabbed her around the neck and strangled her, then threw her down the stairs.

Charlie Sheen
In June 1997, actor Charlie Sheen pleaded no contest to physically abusing his former girlfriend.

John Singleton
In July 1999, movie director John Singleton pleaded "no contest" to charges of battering his girlfriend.

Rod Strickland
As part of a plea bargain, basketball player, Rod Strickland, was sentenced to 30 counseling sessions for hitting his girlfriend.

Dana Stubblefield
In October 2000, Washington Redskins football player Dana Stubblefield was arrested on charges of assaulting his wife, Kim. He explained the incident as a run-of-the-mill lovers’ quarrel, “Nobody got hurt…Nobody was drinking. Nobody was doing anything out of the ordinary. It was just one of those normal arguments you get in with your wife”. He’s prolly got a lot of issues because he was teased all his life for having a poontang of a name, and beating up on girls makes him feel manly.

Mike Tyson
During a television interview that aired in May 2003, former heavyweight boxing champion Mike Tyson denied that he raped Desiree Washington in 1991, but stated, “I just hate her guts. She put me in that state, where I don’t know…I really wish I did now. But now I really do want to rape her.” I think it was payback for all the times his back pu$$y was violated in prison – he’s never been the same since.


Al Unser
Two-time Indy 500 winner Al Unser was arrested for punching his girlfriend, Jena Soto, and then forcing her out of their car and leaving her on the side of the highway.

Mykelti Williamson
Actor Mykelti Williamson, who starred as Bubba in Forest Gump, was arrested in 1998 for allegedly stalking his ex-wife and stabbing her friend.

Jim Brown
Former NFL-er Jim Brown vandalized and defaced his wife’s, car and made a terrorist threat to kill her during an argument.

Rae Carruth
In January 2001, Rae Carruth was found not guilty of the murder of his girlfriend Cherica Adams, but guilty of conspiracy to commit murder. So he never physically laid a hand on her, but paid people to kill her.


Billy Dee Williams
Actor and malt liquor drinker, Billy Dee Williams, beat his live-in girlfriend and tried to prevent her from calling the police in 1996.

Joe Frazier
In February 2004, former heavyweight boxing champion Joe Frazier was arrested and charged with simple assault and reckless endangerment for assaulting his girlfriend, Sherri Gibson. Gibson and Frazier have a 12-year-old son, who was present during the assault and tried to protect his mother by threatening Frazier with a baseball bat.

Allen Iverson
NBA star player Allen Iverson allegedly broke into his cousin’s apartment with a gun and made threatening statements while searching for his wife, Tawanna Iverson, following a domestic dispute. Reports claim that, after fighting with his wife, Iverson threw her out of their house. Some reports claim she was naked or in her underwear at the time.


Jason Kidd
He was arrested during a domestic dispute with his wife, Joumana. But now he claims she was the abusive one.

Glenn Robinson
NBA player Glenn Robinson was arrested after assaulting his ex-fiancée, Jonta French. The couple has a child, who Robinson wanted to visit. Once French let Robinson into the house, he reportedly began to hit her. During Robinson’s bond hearing, prosecutors said he told French that he was “ready to die and we’re both going to die”.

Dennis Rodman
Former NBA star Dennis Rodman was arrested in January 2003 after an unidentified woman accused him of assaulting her. The woman called police from a payphone near Rodman’s house in Newport Beach. She suffered from a “small swelling to her upper lip…and claimed to have a bump on her head”.

Lou Rawls
In January 2003, Grammy-winning singer Lou Rawls was arrested and charged with misdemeanor battery for assaulting his companion, Nina Inman. According to a police report, Rawls grabbed Inman’s hair and threw her to the floor during an argument.


Steven Adler
Drummer Steven Adler of Guns N' Roses attacked two women he had dated.


Courtney Alexander
UVA basketball star Courtney Alexander hit, choked and kicked his girlfriend. Alexander claimed the incident was a “misunderstanding.”

Rick Allen
Def Leppard drummer assaulted his wife in 1995.

Pedro Astacio
Colorado Rockies’ pitcher Pedro Astacio faced deportation by INS because he pleaded guilty to an assault charge of punching his estranged wife.

They Done Smoked Themselves Retarded

Sad. Sad. Sad . . .

Nas 1, Jay-Z 0

The milkshake's gone bad, b!tches! The boss-lady, Mrs. Nassir Jones (née Kelis Rogers), was arrested at 4:30 AM on Friday in Miami after screaming racial slurs at two female police officers who were working undercover as prostitutes. She was released on $1,500 bond hours later, Miami-Dade County jail spokeswoman Janelle Hall said.

The officers were working an undercover operation in South Beach, when cops say Kelis started screaming racial obscenties at the women. I still don't know the race of the undercover hizzoes, or else I'd have listed some plausible obscenties for your reading pleasure. The crazy heiffer kept screaming at 5-0 and rushed toward them, until her party-pooper friends restrained her. Then she charged at them again and that's when she was cuffed!

According to the police report, Kelis' "actions caused people walking by to stop and form a crowd. The sidewalk was blocked by the disturbance, causing people to walk in the street and causing traffic to stop."

Stale-is was charged with two misdemeanor charges of disorderly conduct and for resisting arrest.

Way to go, Nas! She's a WINNER! Then again, considering his last wife was sleeping with A.I. and Jiggaman while she was still with him, this is probably an "upgrade" for the Queensbridge native. I'd rather be with someone that has tourette's than a philandering groupie ho (who's got a new tell-all book out a la Karinne Superhead Stefans).

Reasons # 978 and 979 to Adopt

Denise Richards as the Man in Undercover Brother 2! Look at her ish! It's so stretched out it looks like a jizzsac!


This one speaks for itself. Looks like she ate the Peach Pit! Help her, Shannon Doherty!

Can You Milk Me, Focker?

>:-o Ai Leche! That translates to milk, but it's a term used on Guam for emphasis. It's also the phrase that came to mind when I found out about the nazis at Myspace.
Yes, Myspace - the internet sensation made popular by high schoolers, egomaniacs and bored office workers. Myspace has been known to sever relationships, cause restraining orders to be filed, and now starve babies! Ok, maybe not quite, but the networking site has removed pictures of Melissa Rock breast feeding two little Rocks on her page. The reason? Myspace believes the images are "too sexual". Rocks, a mother of three from Tacoma, said she reposted the pictures and again, they were taken down. DENIED! The Myspace powers that be even threatened to delete her profile.

If you have ever been on Myspace, then you are familiar with the different types of pictures on the site.

1. There is the "funny picture": usually something outlandish like this JFC - T Shirt;

2. The "self-portrait": taken by oneself using a camera phone or in the mirror;

3. The "b!tch pic": photos of pets dressed in cutesy costumes (did you know there is a site called dogster?!?!?!);

4. The "club picture": taken at the club or before the club; and then there is

5. The "bedroom picture": pictures where the subject is wearing little or nothing and is usually in a compromising pose, trying desperately to bring sexy back.

A friend of mine dated a guy who had 10 pictures of himself SHIRTLESS on his page - too bad none of them relayed how short he is. In some of those h0mophotos, he's laying on the bed (SHIRTLESS). This same a$$ clown had pictures of girls that were rejected from a 2 Live Crew video shoot on his "friends" section. But I digress . . . FOCUS! This post is not about vanity smurf, it's about the cockos at Myspace who think that a picture of some attention-craving hoochie dropping down, getting her eagle on and showing her beef curtains is less sexual than a picture of a woman feeding her babies.

God knew what he was doing when He put milk in the mammories. Scientists have been researching breast milk for decades and numerous studies confirm that mama's milk is perfectly suited to nourish infants and protect them from illness. It contains just the right amount of fatty acids, lactose, water, and amino acids that are good for digestion, brain development, and growth. Not only is it natural, but It saves money too! Shoot, we should all start putting some of this stuff in our morning cup of coffee and bowl of Special K! Aaaand, breast feeding makes babies grow into happier and class-upwardly mobile people. P.Diddy drinks breast milk from a Cambodian immigrant and so should you! =D I can go on and on about the benefits of breast feeding, but I have a feeling none of my readers *two of you* are contemplating whether to use Similac or breast milk . . .

When I was about 11, right after my cousin was born, my aunt used to sit at the dinner table with us and after she was done eating, she'd pick up the baby, sit back down at the table, whip out a nip and latch my cousin onto it *all in one fell swoop*. I felt soooo uncomfortable just sitting there, but got over it - It's kind of like talking to someone with a lazy eye or a lady with a Burt Reynolds mustache.

So to those of you brainacs on the Myspace Orwellian board, leave Melissa Rocks and her page alone. Pop your momma's TT's out your mouth and grow up! You allow 15 year old girls to put pictures of their barely covered Nipsy Russels on their pages! Shame on you for making such a natural, beautiful act seem dirty. Don't make Melissa Rocks pay for the fact that you weren't hugged enough as a child.