In 1920, the Nineteenth Amendment to the United States Constitution was passed, giving most women a right to vote. In the last 90 years, women have made great strides towards gender equality. But forget women's suffrage and equal pay, the latest and greatest advancement for women has been introduced.
Now we can stand and pee! A new product, called the P-mate™ lets us pee like the boys! It is a portable urinating device that allows us to pretend we got willies. The website touts the producty as allowing women to pee "without losing their dignity or risking unhygienic and unpleasant public restrooms. The P-Mate™ can be used during any activity where restroom facilities are less than desirable, or not available at all." Forget unsanitary bathrooms I wanna pee and write my name in the snow!
How do you use it?
1. Simply pop open the P-Mate, move your underwear aside, and place the cupped opening against your body under the flow area between your legs.
2. Tilt hips so funnel faces slightly downwards. Relax and pee!
You can remove any drops left behind by slowly moving the P-mate to the front, and catching them with the back of the P-mate.
Let the boys leave the toilet seat up . . . who cares?
Have A Rice Day!
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Save the planet, beat your kid
A guide for parents that i found a few years back. Do your job now to keep your kids from stealing my car in the future.
How come everyone today is too much of a punk to smack their kids around? That's what I want to know: why are parents afraid to beat their kids? When I was a kid and I screwed up, my parents beat my butt . We didn't have a conversation about it. I didn't have a "time out." In fact, I've never even once been grounded in my life. What's the point? Send your kid to his room and make him play video games and read comic books all day? Great idea, why don't you take him to a psychiatrist while you're at it so she can pull some disorder out of her butt to hide the fact that you're a bad parent?
Kids today need a good beating every now and then. If you don't beat your kids when they fall out of line, the next thing you know your son will go off and bang some dude in the ass just out of spite. You tell them to clean their room, they say "no," you smack them. It's simple; it works. Don't listen to these fools on TV with their b.s . hippypsychobabble; if they had it their way, every child would be raised in a pastel colored room with Philip Glass pumped through the speakers 24 hours a day. Then again, it might not be all that bad because it will make your kids complacent, so it won't be as hard for them to swallow when they realize that they'll be spending the rest of their lives chained to a desk in a cubicle writing reports to make someone else rich. The problem is that kids today think their opinions matter. By not beating your kids, they get a skewed perspective of reality where they start thinking that they have it rough and that they can get away with dying their hair and listening to Insane Clown Posse. That's where you need to come in and put the law down.
To help you, the negligent parent, I've put together a guide to smacking your kids for your convenience (hint: you may want to even print this guide up and hang it on your fridge as a reminder to both you and your kids). Here are some useful techniques:
Five across the eyes
This is a very basic maneuver and usually enough to cover most situations when your child is out of line. Simply put four fingers tightly together and either leave the thumb off to theside or fold it behind the other four fingers. Then smack your kid cross the face with the back of your hand. Now this is the tricky part: make sure to snap your wrist just before contact otherwise you won't get a stinging effect. Very important because you don't want to risk lettingy our kid think you're a punk .
The sucker punch
Just ask the question "hey, what's that on your shirt?" and when they look down, bust their lip. You need to do this every now and then to keep them guessing. Don't ever let them off the hook. Just because they're not doing anything wrong doesn't mean that they didn't do something wrong earlier that you weren't aware of.
The yard stick
Or for those of you who don't use the arbitraryAmerican system, this is also known as "the meter stick." This is a good general purpose beating because the stick usually doesn't last beyond three or four good whacks--usually enough to send the message.
The one-two shut-the-hell-up
This is priceless when you're shopping and your kid won't shut the hell up: "I'm hungry, I want toys, I need my Insulin..." etc. First smack your kid (the 5 across the eyes technique works). Wait a few seconds for your kid to start crying, then smack your kid again to let him know that you mean business. This usually shuts them up because they see that the amount of crying is proportional to the amount of beatings.
The 2 x 4 / PVC pipe
If you do your job as a parent, this should never have to be administered. This is for heavy duty jobs only (ie. anytime your kid comes home and begins a sentence with "she might be pregnant..." or "I can _____ if I want to..." where the blank can be any of the following: smoke, have sex, experiment with drugs, watch Oprah, etc). Usually the threat of this beating is enough to keep your kid fromscrewing up.
The Dragon Kick
If you're interested in a permanent solution to your child giving you lip about washing the dishes, cleaning his or her room or filing your tax return, then the Dragon kick might be the technique for you. I guarantee that you will only have to ask once after the Dragon kick has been administered.
The skull thump
A quick blow usually dealt to the side or back of the head. Simply flick them in the head with your finger. An alternative is to smack your child up side the head with your palm. Very useful for teaching your child to read when he or she makes a mistake. Hitting your child when he or she is learning builds confidence, or undermines confidence--I can't remember which.
The one-handed chauffeur reach around
A quick reach around whileyou're driving to smack your kid and his friends too if they disrespect. Swerve the car back and forth for the full effect.
The cane intercept
If you're too old to chase your kid around the house, use the handle of your cane to trip him if he tries to get away. When he gets up, poke him in the head a few times to let him know who's boss.
There you have it. Use these basic techniques to discipline your child if you want him or her to turn out to be a success story like me.
Saturday, May 12, 2007
What would you do for a klondike bar?
oh how the mighty have fallen . . . i suppose it's better than sucking d!ck for weed.
kids, let these two sad souls be a lesson to you. crack is whack! stay in school. don't join a boy band or the hebrew israelites like bobby (aka the self proclaimed king of r&b) and don't rape people or bite their ears off. *this public service announce has been brought to you by budweiser and philip morris - drink liquor beer and smoke cigarettes instead of crack*
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
The View-ewwwwwww!
Friday, May 4, 2007
KIT, where are you?
Bammamore's very own David Hasselhoff (aka. the Hoff, Baywatch blunder) showing his more sensitive side. This clip, leaked to the press by the fruit of his speedo wearing loins, displays a visibly intoxificated Hoff trying to eat a fat burger. =)
P.S. If you look David Hasselhoff up in Wikipedia, there's a section on his "alcohol problem". I say it's only a problem if you make it one. Cheers!
Thursday, May 3, 2007
If You Like Pina Colada (Butt Lotion)
Groupies: (NUDE) The same as Chamber Girls but only for UNCLE LUKE and his Staff. Also have the opportunity to travel ON TOUR with Uncle Luke and his Crew after the FREAKFEST Weekends are over. All travel and living expenses paid in addition to base compensation. You would cater to all the needs of Uncle Luke and his Team and NOT be required to have contact with any of Luke's FREAKFEST participants. $$$$$5,000 a day + Expenses$$$$$