Have A Rice Day!

Have A Rice Day!

Saturday, June 16, 2007

The Big Piece of Chicken

Chris Rock Bigger and Blacker: “Everybody takes Daddy for granted. Just listen to the radio. Everything's 'Mama’. ‘Dear Mama’, ‘Always Loved My Mama.' What's the Daddy song? ‘Papa was a Rollin' Stone’. Nobody appreciates Daddy. Now, Mama's got the roughest job, but at least people appreciate Mama. Every time Mama do something right, Mama gets a compliment...'cause women need to hear compliments all the time. Women need food, water, and compliments. And an occasional pair of shoes. Women got to hear it all the time, or they lose their minds. And Daddy gets to make sure you thank your Mama for everything. 'Tell your Mama how good the food is.’ ‘Tell your Mama how nice the house looks.’ 'Tell your Mama how nice her hair looks.’ 'Did you tell your Mama?’ That's right! 'Tell your Mama.' Nobody ever tells Daddy shit. l'm talking about the real daddies that handle their fucking business. Nobody ever says, 'Hey, Daddy, thanks for knocking out this rent.' 'Hey, Daddy, l sure love this hot water.' 'Hey, Daddy, this is easy to read with all this light.' Nobody gives a fuck about Daddy. Think about everything that the real daddy does. Make your world a better, safer place.”

I think that bit about daddy is my favorite part of Chris Rock’s “Bigger and Blacker” standup routine. It’s so funny because there is so much truth to it. I didn’t really notice everything that my dad did for me until I had to get my first oil change. I had put 10,000 miles on the wangmobile before someone told me I might need to get my oil changed. I didn’t know!

My dad always took care of stuff like that. He used to fill my car up with gas every morning before school, clean my car and spritz my tires with Armor All so I could be ridin’ clean. He’d also stop by the bakery after his morning round of golf so he could bring home fresh cinnamon raisin bread and Spanish rolls right out of the oven. My boyfriend, Sean, says that explains a lot . . . hehe. And although I’d hate to admit it, I know he’s right.

This post started off as my list of top TV dads, and the more I thought about the dads I grew up watching, I realized that my dad will always be #1 in my Neilsen rating. So dad, tonight, you get the big piece of chicken! To my 3 readers, I apologize for this sappy, Stuart Smalley moment – I realize this makes the mercury rise on your barf-o-meter.

In honor of Father’s Day, here are my favorite TV Dads:
Jason Seaver – Growing Pains
Nick Russo – Blossom
The Two Dads – My Two Dads
Fred Sanford – Sanford and Son
Homer Simpson – The Simpsons
President Jed Bartlett – The West Wing
Frank Costanza – Seinfeld
Dan Conner - Roseanne
Al Bundy – Married with Children
The dad from Silver Spooon
Henry - Punky Brewster
Phil Drummond - Diff'rent Strokes and of course,

“Goodbye fried rice. Hello fried chicken . . . I love you dad!”

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better

In 1920, the Nineteenth Amendment to the United States Constitution was passed, giving most women a right to vote. In the last 90 years, women have made great strides towards gender equality. But forget women's suffrage and equal pay, the latest and greatest advancement for women has been introduced.

Now we can stand and pee! A new product, called the P-mate™ lets us pee like the boys! It is a portable urinating device that allows us to pretend we got willies. The website touts the producty as allowing women to pee "without losing their dignity or risking unhygienic and unpleasant public restrooms. The P-Mate™ can be used during any activity where restroom facilities are less than desirable, or not available at all." Forget unsanitary bathrooms I wanna pee and write my name in the snow!

How do you use it?

1. Simply pop open the P-Mate, move your underwear aside, and place the cupped opening against your body under the flow area between your legs.

2. Tilt hips so funnel faces slightly downwards. Relax and pee!
You can remove any drops left behind by slowly moving the P-mate to the front, and catching them with the back of the P-mate.

Let the boys leave the toilet seat up . . . who cares?

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Save the planet, beat your kid

A guide for parents that i found a few years back. Do your job now to keep your kids from stealing my car in the future.

How come everyone today is too much of a punk to smack their kids around? That's what I want to know: why are parents afraid to beat their kids? When I was a kid and I screwed up, my parents beat my butt . We didn't have a conversation about it. I didn't have a "time out." In fact, I've never even once been grounded in my life. What's the point? Send your kid to his room and make him play video games and read comic books all day? Great idea, why don't you take him to a psychiatrist while you're at it so she can pull some disorder out of her butt to hide the fact that you're a bad parent?

Kids today need a good beating every now and then. If you don't beat your kids when they fall out of line, the next thing you know your son will go off and bang some dude in the ass just out of spite. You tell them to clean their room, they say "no," you smack them. It's simple; it works. Don't listen to these fools on TV with their b.s . hippypsychobabble; if they had it their way, every child would be raised in a pastel colored room with Philip Glass pumped through the speakers 24 hours a day. Then again, it might not be all that bad because it will make your kids complacent, so it won't be as hard for them to swallow when they realize that they'll be spending the rest of their lives chained to a desk in a cubicle writing reports to make someone else rich. The problem is that kids today think their opinions matter. By not beating your kids, they get a skewed perspective of reality where they start thinking that they have it rough and that they can get away with dying their hair and listening to Insane Clown Posse. That's where you need to come in and put the law down.

To help you, the negligent parent, I've put together a guide to smacking your kids for your convenience (hint: you may want to even print this guide up and hang it on your fridge as a reminder to both you and your kids). Here are some useful techniques:

Five across the eyes

This is a very basic maneuver and usually enough to cover most situations when your child is out of line. Simply put four fingers tightly together and either leave the thumb off to theside or fold it behind the other four fingers. Then smack your kid cross the face with the back of your hand. Now this is the tricky part: make sure to snap your wrist just before contact otherwise you won't get a stinging effect. Very important because you don't want to risk lettingy our kid think you're a punk .

The sucker punch

Just ask the question "hey, what's that on your shirt?" and when they look down, bust their lip. You need to do this every now and then to keep them guessing. Don't ever let them off the hook. Just because they're not doing anything wrong doesn't mean that they didn't do something wrong earlier that you weren't aware of.

The yard stick

Or for those of you who don't use the arbitraryAmerican system, this is also known as "the meter stick." This is a good general purpose beating because the stick usually doesn't last beyond three or four good whacks--usually enough to send the message.

The one-two shut-the-hell-up

This is priceless when you're shopping and your kid won't shut the hell up: "I'm hungry, I want toys, I need my Insulin..." etc. First smack your kid (the 5 across the eyes technique works). Wait a few seconds for your kid to start crying, then smack your kid again to let him know that you mean business. This usually shuts them up because they see that the amount of crying is proportional to the amount of beatings.

The 2 x 4 / PVC pipe

If you do your job as a parent, this should never have to be administered. This is for heavy duty jobs only (ie. anytime your kid comes home and begins a sentence with "she might be pregnant..." or "I can _____ if I want to..." where the blank can be any of the following: smoke, have sex, experiment with drugs, watch Oprah, etc). Usually the threat of this beating is enough to keep your kid fromscrewing up.

The Dragon Kick

If you're interested in a permanent solution to your child giving you lip about washing the dishes, cleaning his or her room or filing your tax return, then the Dragon kick might be the technique for you. I guarantee that you will only have to ask once after the Dragon kick has been administered.

The skull thump

A quick blow usually dealt to the side or back of the head. Simply flick them in the head with your finger. An alternative is to smack your child up side the head with your palm. Very useful for teaching your child to read when he or she makes a mistake. Hitting your child when he or she is learning builds confidence, or undermines confidence--I can't remember which.

The one-handed chauffeur reach around

A quick reach around whileyou're driving to smack your kid and his friends too if they disrespect. Swerve the car back and forth for the full effect.

The cane intercept

If you're too old to chase your kid around the house, use the handle of your cane to trip him if he tries to get away. When he gets up, poke him in the head a few times to let him know who's boss.

There you have it. Use these basic techniques to discipline your child if you want him or her to turn out to be a success story like me.

Saturday, May 12, 2007

What would you do for a klondike bar?

oh how the mighty have fallen . . . i suppose it's better than sucking d!ck for weed.

kids, let these two sad souls be a lesson to you. crack is whack! stay in school. don't join a boy band or the hebrew israelites like bobby (aka the self proclaimed king of r&b) and don't rape people or bite their ears off. *this public service announce has been brought to you by budweiser and philip morris - drink liquor beer and smoke cigarettes instead of crack*

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

The View-ewwwwwww!

for Star Jones at a Kentucky Derby afterparty was her flaming husband's fudgepacker. Sorry, I don't know how to add a warning - hope you're reading this on an empty stomach. I'm too distraught to comment on her pants. The New York Observer reported that she was "getting freaky with her husband Al Reynolds, as Adam “DJ AM” Goldberg burned up the turntables. Mr. Reynolds was gyrating up against Mrs. Jones’ backside, his hand positioned oddly on top of her head, while hers clutched the back of his thigh." Well, dude said it best in the Dave Chapelle skit "Boys Night Out" - a mouth is a mouth.
For more on Kentucky Derby afterparties and crazy celebs, read http://www.observer.com/2007/kentucy-derby?page=0%2C2

Friday, May 4, 2007

KIT, where are you?

Bammamore's very own David Hasselhoff (aka. the Hoff, Baywatch blunder) showing his more sensitive side. This clip, leaked to the press by the fruit of his speedo wearing loins, displays a visibly intoxificated Hoff trying to eat a fat burger. =)

P.S. If you look David Hasselhoff up in Wikipedia, there's a section on his "alcohol problem". I say it's only a problem if you make it one. Cheers!

Thursday, May 3, 2007

If You Like Pina Colada (Butt Lotion)

we all know the Jimmy Buffet song about the jaded man putting out a want ad for some new pu$$y only to end up on a date with his "old lady". well this pop-that-c00chie-posting by good ole Luke Skyywalker is kind of like that . . . except he's looking for a rack a h0es to play with his saber and turn some jedi tricks for him and all his pals. so all of you 2007 grads looking for your first real (hand/blow) job or you are currently employed but are looking to make some extra cash and contract a veneral disease and/or have a baller's baby, read below and good luck! Uncle Luke asks that only the "fine and freaky" apply.


Date: 2007-04-29, 12:27AM EDT

UNCLE LUKE (Luther Campbell) former member of "2 Live Crew", label owner, music artist/producer, film/video director, and known to many as the "Black Hugh Heffner"! The man responsible for Freaknik & BET UnCut is currently working on his 7th installment of FREAKFEST. After Daytona, Miami, Cancun, Atlanta, & Houston, FREAKFEST '07 is coming to WASHINGTON D.C. NOW!!!!!!! We are looking for 'TALENT' in ALL areas at ALL levels. ALL RACES ARE WELCOME. POSITIONS ARE LIMITED. PLEASE be fine and freaky. FREAKFEST is a 3-day event for 2 Weekends. You can work 1 day or everyday.

Positions and $$PAY$$ are:

Hostess/Go-Go Dancer: (NO NUDITY) Greeters, Lap Dancers, Floor Models, Eye Candy $$$750 per day + tips$$$ SEXY IS A MUST!!!

Model Mistress: (SEMI-NUDE) Girls available for PRIVATE sessions doing Handjobs And/Or Blowjobs for the High Profile Guests $$$1,500 per day + tips$$$

Exotic Entertainers: (NUDE) Stage performers; YOU WILL BE ON VIDEO, Perform sex acts on request of the host/co-host. Participating in contests, shows, B/G, G/G, TOYS, SEXUAL TRICKS & GAMES with guests of FREAKFEST $$3,000 a day + tips$$

Chamber Girls: (NUDE) Same as an Exotic Entertainer only NOT on video. You participate in similar activities but in PRIVATE & with the High Profile Guests of FREAKFEST $$$3,000 a day + tips$$$

Groupies: (NUDE) The same as Chamber Girls but only for UNCLE LUKE and his Staff. Also have the opportunity to travel ON TOUR with Uncle Luke and his Crew after the FREAKFEST Weekends are over. All travel and living expenses paid in addition to base compensation. You would cater to all the needs of Uncle Luke and his Team and NOT be required to have contact with any of Luke's FREAKFEST participants. $$$$$5,000 a day + Expenses$$$$$

Selections are based on 25% Look 25% Technique & 50% Ability to LISTEN****


Scheduled to participate: UNCLE LUKE & MARIE LUV (Host/Co-Host)

(ARTISTS)T-Pain, Lil' Jon, LL Cool J, Busta Ryhmes, DJ Khaled, DJ Clue, T.I., Ludacris, Lil' Wayne, Young Buck, Fat Joe, Snoop Dogg, Ice-T, Doug E. Fresh, Bishop Don 'Magic' Juan, JadaKiss, Rich Boy, Rick Ross, Pitbull, & Others.

(EXOTIC PERFORMERS) Nikki 'Hoopz' Alexander, Diana DeVoe, Caramel, Obsession, Ms. Lori Alexia, Simone West, Blaze, Menage, Deja Vu, Lacy Duvalle, & Others.


First Name:

Alias (Stage Name):

Date Of Birth:

City & State:

Phone #:




Dress Size:

Position Interested In:

Attach 2 sexy pics of your full body before submitting your email.

You MUST be at least 18 years of age to participate. ******Responses without pictures or phone numbers will not be contacted****** GOOD LUCK!

PostingID: 320872895

Saturday, April 28, 2007

This Bores Me . . . Anyone Up for a Run in Central Park?

The no-deodorant, hairy armpit, baguette lovin Frenchies will be putting a new face in Élysée Palace when they elect a President on May 6.

And although there is much promise for the yet to be determined Chirac-successor to do well and blast Americans in his/her term, there is no promise for a first lady. Bernadette Chirac, who fulfilled her dutiful role as la Premiere Beeeetch, standing by her man, I’m-no-frere-Jacques, despite numerous allegations of his philandering oui-oui. She even threatened him and publicly stated that, "Convention meant that in this kind of situation you put up a front and just kept going. In any case I warned him often enough: the day Napoleon left Josephine, he lost everything.”

Corner #1: Ségolène Royal, the Socialist Party candidate, is not married to her baby daddy (they got 4), François Hollande. But more than that, they are political rivals. Kind of like the Ragin Cajun James Carville and his weezy, Mary Magdalene (Matalin), here in les Etats Unis. Hollande, who as head of the Socialist Party, who was almost the party’s candidate this time, says he will try to run in 2012 if his heterosexual life partner loses. And being an alpha male, he added that even if Royal won the election, he would not be joining her in the Élysée Palace. "I am not the one who is going to be elected," he said. "If Ségolène Royal wins, my situation doesn't change. It is Ségolène Royal who has a great responsibility and has to decide what is the best way of exercising it - including where she lives." Hollande then said, “Eeen Frahhnce, you dooo naht need two, you need one," A stark contrast to the Clintons’ campaign in 1992 when Billie and his overachieving Willie p!mped his wife and told the American pubic – I mean, public, they would be getting "two for the price of one”. Poor Hollande, the forgotten man of French presidential politics, the one who could have been a contender, instead he has been condemned to a small supporting role – while his woman is on her own Tour De France wh0ring herself Moulin Rouge style, he’s become Monsieur Mom, the French Steadman.

Corner #2: Nicolas Sarkozy, the conservative candidate, has been campaigning without his wife, Cécilia Sarkozy. When asked on a popular French tv show how she envisioned her life in 10 years, Madame Sarko-zeeznuts said, "In the United States, jogging in Central Park. I don't see myself as a first lady.” As if that weren’t enough a humiliating Ike Turner-eat-the-cake-AnnaMae-slap in her husband’s face and political career, she said “That bores me." Cécilia Sarkozy has apparently been busy strolling the Champs Elysee, shopping while her husband has been sprinting the campaign trail. Or perhaps while he’s been busy trying to get elected, she’s been getting busy with the pool boy or a PR executive. In 2005, Cécilia Sarkozy was crepe-ing (creeping, crepe-ing, get it?) with a prominent public relations executive and even left Nicolas, only to return with a flurry of publicity and genial warts.

In the 49-year history of the Fifth Republic, there have been other presidential couples that were “unconventional” avec problèmes matrimoniaux. When the wife of President Giscard d'Estaing, Anne-Aymone, was asked what she wanted to do most as first lady, she replied, "To no longer be one." And let’s not forget Francois Mitterand’s concealment of the existence his bastard daughter Mazarine for over 10 years. Talk about daddy issues . . .

Friday, April 27, 2007

Cold Cases - Unsolved Hip Hop Crimes

While you all dig for evidence and unearth secrets that might lead to the killers of B.I.G. and 2Pac, I'm busy contemplating these unsolved hip hop crimes (insert music from law and order). . . Speaking of Hibbidy Hop crimes - peep dude in the pic up top. H0m0 thug. Big shout out to Cam'ron who is everything against snitching - I mean, why should he be in favor of snitching? Someone just may snitch on how he was getting call his pinky pink wearing a$$ out of the closet.

Courtesy of the Onion

Now that a suspect has finally been named in the 2002 killing of Jam Master Jay, police have turned their attention to other unsolved hip-hop crimes. Here are some that are currently under investigation.

Theft of Ludacris' Jet Ski in 2004

The death of Big Pun, caused by unknown fast food chain or chains

Notorious incident at Diddy's 2004 White Party when an unidentified vandal purposely brought extra-saucy ribs that completely ruined the ivory tableau

Unsolved disappearance of the third Fugee

Two hundred million dollars that fell out of Jay-Z's pocket during a Nets game is, at press time, unreturned

Continued refusal of Kool Keith's estranged super-galactic lover to abide by the restraining order against her

Numerous members of the Chamillitary are AWOL and subject to court-martial

Two masked assailants shot Bushwick Bill on the operating table while he was being treated for an earlier shooting

The continual disappearance of 50 Cent's newspaper from the stoop of his $4.1 million Connecticut mansion

Saturday, April 21, 2007

Jean Claude Van Damme Putting the Bone in Zamboni

The Belge's Bulge!

How did Double Impact not win an Oscar? Here is footage of Jean Claude Van Damme on TV trying to resuscitate his limp career. If you look closely, you can see his little Universal Soldier at full attention, saluting his post-operative transvestite dance partner. If he were playing dance dance revolution, we'd have a new high score.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

That Ain't Monika Lewinsky

I wanted to share a photo from the AP website that I thought was just awesome! Abuelas Mercedes Martinez,(left)72, and Josefa Gamet, 62, make money posing for photos for foreign tourists in Old Havana, Cuba. In February 2007, Cuba began an island-wide ban on smoking in public places.

Computer Love

Just a click of the mouse will turn you from cyber dud to cyber stud!

This is from Will Ferrell's new site, Funny or Die. www.sjl.funnyordie.com I can't seem to link his hilarious short skit, "The Landlord" . . . but here's the URL. http://sjl.funnyordie.com/v1/view_video.php?viewkey=3efbc24c7d2583be6925

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Bad Week!

April 15 - April 21st should be marked as the deadliest week in American history. On April 19, 1993, David Koresh and 74 Branch Davidians died in Waco, Texas. Two years later, on April 19, 1995, 168 people died and 800 were injured in what is now known as the Oklahoma City bombing. A day and four years later on April 20, 1999, two teenage students carried out a shooting rampage, killing 12 students, wounding 24 others and committing suicide in the Columbine shootings, which until (April 16, 2007) the Virginia Tech shootings today, was known as the worst school shootings in American history. What is going on here? Do these acts have any connection to Adolf Hitler’s birthday, April 20? 4/20 is a day celebrated by many pot smokers. I always thought weed mellowed people out. Maybe all these random and senseless acts are sparked by deeply rooted feelings of disdain for the IRS or authority, in general? Who knows?!?!?! This is just sad. My prayers and condolences go to the students and their families.

Monday, April 16, 2007


eBay has just removed an item from its auction site. The "nappy headed hoes" doll pictured above was being sold online until someone reported the seller. You can still get these in Taiwan.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Word Up!!!

I had no idea growing up that Kameo's "Word Up" was go-go song. In fact, when I first moved here, I had a deep disdain for go-go music and most things native of the urrea. =) Nearly a decade in Chocolate City has changed me some. For instance. I love love love several go-go songs, including, "Sexy Lady" and "Sardines and Pork and Beans". Go-go has even hit radio stations in Nebraska with Beyonce and Amerie using go-go beats in their mainstream summer hits and Jigga's version of "Tha Overnight Scenario" getting much love from radio stations worldwide. It seems the DC Metro Urrea has put another mark on the map! I've been a subscriber of the Merriam Webster's and Urban Word of the Day Emails for some time. And this morning, the Urban Word of the Day for April 10, 2007 is (drumroll, please): BAMMA! Great success! This is a word that has become infused in my vocabulary.

Here is the definition from Urban Word of the Day.
Bamma: A general-multi used DC Metro area term used to describe a person who has no style, taste, or class. Usually this person has no idea that he/she is classified as a Bamma - rather they go about their daily lives thinking what they do, say, or wear is acceptable.

Example Sentence: That dude came to work with dress slacks and white tube socks..what a BAMMA!

For those of you who are visual learners: Here is an example of a Bamma (or three)

Friday, April 6, 2007

Stereotypes of an Engineer Misunderstood But It's Still All Good

This is from an ad that I saw on the MSN homepage today. I like how the therapist and psychologist are women - naturally, since we're the sane, comforting, understanding sex. But even more astute are the caricatures for the engineer, developer and network specialist. *Narf* Too funny!

Thursday, April 5, 2007

Spring Fever

My eyes have been itchy and watery. People are riding around in their convertibles with the tops down (or as Nas says, “they TTs is out”). The sakura trees around the tidal basin are blooming and right outside my office, the trees are lined with white and yellow blossoms. SPRING IS IN THE AIR!! And as I have noticed for a few years now, with the change in weather, there’s a change in fools’ dispositions.

There is an old wives’ tale that says a young man’s fancy turns into thoughts of love in the spring. I think the word, “love” here is more than likely a euphemism for skeet, skeet, bang, bang. Amended for 2007: The twinkle in a young man’s eye - perhaps a reflection of the Christmas lights - turns into an itch in his bugle boy jeans in the spring.

Somehow, some pocket protector-wearing member of Lambda Lambda Lambda has proven scientifically that people pop, lock and drop it more in the spring and summer. The studies claim more trailers are a' knockin due to a hormonal response to . . . light! As it turns out, the increased hours of sunlight in spring makes all of us animal’s in God’s good kingdom wanna bump n’ grind to some R. Kelly 12play and then pee on each other! *Yes, I do realize I've referenced God, humping and golden showers in one sentence*

Maybe Thomas Edison was onto something with the lightbulb. Not only were early designs of the lightbulb phallic-y, but it turns out that light is an aphrodisiac! Who'da thunk? I mean Teddy P. kept telling his lover to "turn off the lights". Then again, try telling a man who brings home a butterface or a woman whose once tall, dark and handsome husband is now tall, fat and bald is standing next to the bed with his hole-y fruit of the looms and sweat-stained wife beater that light is a beacon for the inner-freak. Maybe it's not Chuck Norris at the other end of the tunnel with a flashlight, maybe it's a group of swingers with a bunch of light up adult toys??

The Tri-Lambs have discovered that light affects the body’s production of melatonin; and the right amount of that stuff is like an alarm clock letting your body know that uh to the tick tock you don’t stop, to the . . . I wanna sex you up! You see, apparently, all this is critical to animals that have to ensure their babies are born at the right time. Unfortunately, this also means that every hornball out there will be sitting in his Pontiac grand-am, with his windows down, blaring Young Jeezy and hollah hollah hollah-ing. And if you’re a woman between the ages of 15 to 55, you are all too familiar with these fools.

It’s also been scientifically shown that a lot of sufferers of Seasonal Affective Disorder make impulsive decisions to end serious sexual relationships in the spring. For when all the snow melts, men are like Austin Powers after he re-emerges from his cryogenic chamber where he and his mojo have been frozen for 30 years . . . So ladies, keep a watery, itchy eye on your man! Pop a few Claritin and look for the signs! Do your research! May I suggest: http://www.ho-check.com

Thursday, March 22, 2007

When He Grows Up He Wants To Be The Keebler Elf

and pack fudge. I think he's talented, hopefully his parents will support him and encourage him to keep dancing. He could make the Alvin Ailey Dance Troupe someday . . . or become a tranny and work the pole. Why does he keep doing that drop down stripper bounce move??????

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Dukies Make Me Pukie!

Ok, so I had the Blue Devils going to the elite eight in my Charmin bracket, but I'm a girl so what do I know about sports? Better yet, what do I know about anything? Which way is the kitchen?

Erin Go Brah! ;)

Leprechaun Spotted In Mobile - Click Here for more great videos and pictures!

Hide your lucky charms! Happy St. Paddywagon Day!

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Acid Gives You Wings!

This is what would happen if Tyrone Biggums and Clayton Biggsby combined and morphed into a white woman. Kids, do not try this at home!

Reason #1003 To Adopt

Mel B. (aka. Scary Spice) at 8 months. Supposedly carrying Eddie Herpes' love child. This DELIRIOUS pair hit off their whirlwind romance by getting matching tattoos. Apparently, after a few days of it all beginning Scare-me Spice had the tranny hooker-lover's name tattooed on her hip and he got a matching tat with her name. I'm sure Tracy Edmonds loooves that - and it's probably on his right butt cheek so she has to look at it everytime she puts on her strap on and gives it to him RAW.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Christian Chicks Keep It Tight For Jesus!

As repentance for my earlier devilish and unChristian-like thoughts and post, I proudly present The Christian Girls' Guide to Spring Break Abstinence
Let the month of March be the only thing that's in like a lion, out like a lamb! Tips on Saving Yourself For Jesus - courtesy of Landover Baptist

During Spring Break, the number one priwhority for unsaved boys (especially lustful colored and avaricious Jewish ones) is to take home the trophy prized by pagans the world over: the sweet, warm blood of a virgin. Every March in Daytona Beach, that prize is attained by spilling the sacred hymen blood of a lily-white Christian girl. Here at Landover Baptist, as our college students make their way toward the godless, gibberish-mumbling shores of Mexico and Florida this Spring, they understand that whether they are a boy slipping on a pair of enormous crotch concealing surfer shorts or a girl covered from knee to chin in a modest one-piece swimsuit, their conservative swimwear is going on the body of the Lord Jesus Christ. And He doesn't like to flop about, displaying His enormous dangling holy parts in public. Yes, Christian youngsters know that the most important thing to remember when they are at the ocean (after the importance of using a 120 SPF so they don't wind up so dark folks think you’re about to knock over a Cancun liquor store) is that mixed-faith beaches are mission fields to share the Good News.

As members of the inferior sex, Christian girls are more easily swayed toward the lures of Satan and anything drunk out of a pineapple. A young lady might have made a commitment to save herself for Jesus and abstain from the filthy, repulsive act from which the beauty of life springs, but it is often times more difficult for them to understand which parts of their body are off limits to the superior sex.

In general, Christian boys are more successful in resisting demonic influences. Indeed, we've heard countless tales of Spring Break sacrifice from our Godly gentlemen, who've sacrificed their pride by resorting to mouth, hiney, and even boy-on-boy canoodling in order to protect their virginity. These are lessons many Baptists boys picked up from Mormon missionaries and can provide a reputation-saving technique for Christian girls hoping to save their precious lady business until after an expensive, catered wedding.

Of course, Christian females have a hard time understanding the different parts of the slimy abyss between their legs -- in part, because they have been forbidden to look. Most Christian ladies don't even realize they have six holes (the number of the beast) through which the devil tries to enter. There is only one however, that upon entry, will destroy an angelic little girlie’s virginity and turn her into a debauched, fornicating Devil’s slut who must be drop-kicked out the back door of our church and sent to the Landover Baptist Home for Wayward Girls and Pastors' Comfort Retreat.

As any Roman Catholic priest who has spent countless hours eying the crotches of buff, young men in swim trunks can tell you, the Lord Jesus isn't the only thing that rises in the Spring. Danger of vaginal penetration lurks on every beach blanket. In preparation for the lurid temptations of Spring Break, our team of Creation Scientists has been kind enough to prepare the chart below. All female church members are required to carry a laminated copy it in their purses at all times as a "map" to guide them safely across the treacherous minefield of teen almost-sex, which is pitted with many a dark and sticky sinkhole intent on sucking young souls into their fetid vortex of sin. Choose the wrong hole and you will have chosen a whole lot of damnation, my teenage friend!


Tourette's the Guamanian Way

Just because I'm feeling a little devilish (aguagua), I thought I'd get a list together of curse words in Chamorro. Guamanians are some of the friendliest, spam-loving people in the world . . . but we have been known to have potty mouths.

If you ever find yourself in the jewel of the Marianas, you'll know what the locals are saying about you! I've also put a nifty pronounciation key just so you don't put the emPHAsis on the wrong SYLlable.

Lania (LANyeah): $hit
Basta i Malania (BAHstah ee mah-LANyeah): Stop bull$hitting
Kuxika (COCKsickAH): Focker
Kaduka (kahDOOKka) Kaduku (kah-doo-koo): Crazy
Baba (BAHba): Bad
Famakilo Pachot'mu (FAM-key-low PATCH-ot-moo): Shut up
Chilli mu (chee-LEE-moo): one-eye wonder worm
Bebe mu (behbeh-MOO): kagina
Atan baba (AHTan BAHba): Give someone the dirtiest look; Atan baba'ing someone on Guam usually ends in a beat down, involving cousins, uncles, neighborhood folks.
Kunu'yu (con-NOO dzoo): Eat me
Fokai (FUHCKeye): Beat up, Kick ass (see article below on wife beaters)
Pok pok bebe (poke poke BEHbeh): Fat kagina (aka. beef curtains)
Chada Na Nan'ya (Chad ah Nah Non Ya): Literal translation is Your mom's eggs (figurative translation is your moms is a $5 prostitute)
Leche (lehCHEE): Literally means milk, but is used for emphasis, generally in a bad way. ai leche is like ai adai.
Brodie (broDEE): Stupid (this word came to mean stupid/retarded after the Guam Public School System named the public school for all-island 'tards "Chief Brodie Memorial School")

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Thursday, March 8, 2007

What's Love Got to Do With It?

In light of Ron Artest's latest fiasco, I thought I'd put together a list of all-star wife beaters!

O.J. Simpson
Need I say more? *there is a bad joke in here about pulp, but I’ll refrain*

Ike Turner
EAT THE CAKE, ANNAMAE!! Remember Ike? He beat Tina up with his boot and smacked her for not eating the cake and told her "if you die. i will kill you". 30 some years later, he said about his fiancee, Jeanette, who tours with him "I don't hit this girl here. But I have said to her, 'you do that again, I'm getting in your ass.' And then she never forgets. But with Tina, you can't talk, that was the only way. There may have been another way but I was too busy trying to pay bills, I had 26 people depending on me for a living." (Quote from September 27, 1993 issue of Jet Magazine)

James Brown
This is a man's world . . . singer James Brown was arrested and charged with criminal domestic violence for allegedly shoving his wife, Tomi Rae Brown, to the ground and threatening her with a chair. In 1988, Brown was charged with assaulting his then-wife Adrienne, but the charges were dropped when she refused to testify against him.

“Stone Cold” Steve Austin
WWE wrestler “Stone Cold” Steve Austin, turned himself in to police on charges of assaulting his wife, fellow WWE performer Debra Williams.

Sugar Ray Leonard
This was disappointing. I used to love Sugar Ray! He smacked his wife around with his fists and threw her about the house on more than one occasion and threw lamps, mirrors, etc at her.

Jose Canseco
Rammed his first wife’s car with his own, then five years later was back in court after hitting his second wife. Let's say it together now, "roid rage"

Riddick Bowe
Police arrived at the Bowe house on Long Island and found Riddick’s wife, Terri Bowe, “suffering from cuts and bruises”. Bowe was arrested again after that incident on a domestic violence charge of second-degree assault, less than a week before he was scheduled to begin serving a prison sentence for abducting his first wife, Judy, and their five children.

Barry Bonds
After a game one afternoon, Mrs. Bonds wanted to hang out with some friends but Barry told her that she could not leave the house “until the children were fed their dinner.” Soo, she fed the kids and went out. She came back home that night only to face the major league slugger. According to police reports, Barry threw his wife against the car, grabbed her around the neck and strangled her, then threw her down the stairs.

Charlie Sheen
In June 1997, actor Charlie Sheen pleaded no contest to physically abusing his former girlfriend.

John Singleton
In July 1999, movie director John Singleton pleaded "no contest" to charges of battering his girlfriend.

Rod Strickland
As part of a plea bargain, basketball player, Rod Strickland, was sentenced to 30 counseling sessions for hitting his girlfriend.

Dana Stubblefield
In October 2000, Washington Redskins football player Dana Stubblefield was arrested on charges of assaulting his wife, Kim. He explained the incident as a run-of-the-mill lovers’ quarrel, “Nobody got hurt…Nobody was drinking. Nobody was doing anything out of the ordinary. It was just one of those normal arguments you get in with your wife”. He’s prolly got a lot of issues because he was teased all his life for having a poontang of a name, and beating up on girls makes him feel manly.

Mike Tyson
During a television interview that aired in May 2003, former heavyweight boxing champion Mike Tyson denied that he raped Desiree Washington in 1991, but stated, “I just hate her guts. She put me in that state, where I don’t know…I really wish I did now. But now I really do want to rape her.” I think it was payback for all the times his back pu$$y was violated in prison – he’s never been the same since.

Al Unser
Two-time Indy 500 winner Al Unser was arrested for punching his girlfriend, Jena Soto, and then forcing her out of their car and leaving her on the side of the highway.

Mykelti Williamson
Actor Mykelti Williamson, who starred as Bubba in Forest Gump, was arrested in 1998 for allegedly stalking his ex-wife and stabbing her friend.

Jim Brown
Former NFL-er Jim Brown vandalized and defaced his wife’s, car and made a terrorist threat to kill her during an argument.

Rae Carruth
In January 2001, Rae Carruth was found not guilty of the murder of his girlfriend Cherica Adams, but guilty of conspiracy to commit murder. So he never physically laid a hand on her, but paid people to kill her.

Billy Dee Williams
Actor and malt liquor drinker, Billy Dee Williams, beat his live-in girlfriend and tried to prevent her from calling the police in 1996.

Joe Frazier
In February 2004, former heavyweight boxing champion Joe Frazier was arrested and charged with simple assault and reckless endangerment for assaulting his girlfriend, Sherri Gibson. Gibson and Frazier have a 12-year-old son, who was present during the assault and tried to protect his mother by threatening Frazier with a baseball bat.

Allen Iverson
NBA star player Allen Iverson allegedly broke into his cousin’s apartment with a gun and made threatening statements while searching for his wife, Tawanna Iverson, following a domestic dispute. Reports claim that, after fighting with his wife, Iverson threw her out of their house. Some reports claim she was naked or in her underwear at the time.

Jason Kidd
He was arrested during a domestic dispute with his wife, Joumana. But now he claims she was the abusive one.

Glenn Robinson
NBA player Glenn Robinson was arrested after assaulting his ex-fiancée, Jonta French. The couple has a child, who Robinson wanted to visit. Once French let Robinson into the house, he reportedly began to hit her. During Robinson’s bond hearing, prosecutors said he told French that he was “ready to die and we’re both going to die”.

Dennis Rodman
Former NBA star Dennis Rodman was arrested in January 2003 after an unidentified woman accused him of assaulting her. The woman called police from a payphone near Rodman’s house in Newport Beach. She suffered from a “small swelling to her upper lip…and claimed to have a bump on her head”.

Lou Rawls
In January 2003, Grammy-winning singer Lou Rawls was arrested and charged with misdemeanor battery for assaulting his companion, Nina Inman. According to a police report, Rawls grabbed Inman’s hair and threw her to the floor during an argument.

Steven Adler
Drummer Steven Adler of Guns N' Roses attacked two women he had dated.

Courtney Alexander

UVA basketball star Courtney Alexander hit, choked and kicked his girlfriend. Alexander claimed the incident was a “misunderstanding.”

Rick Allen
Def Leppard drummer assaulted his wife in 1995.

Pedro Astacio
Colorado Rockies’ pitcher Pedro Astacio faced deportation by INS because he pleaded guilty to an assault charge of punching his estranged wife.

Wednesday, March 7, 2007

They Done Smoked Themselves Retarded

Sad. Sad. Sad . . .

Saturday, March 3, 2007

Nas 1, Jay-Z 0

The milkshake's gone bad, b!tches! The boss-lady, Mrs. Nassir Jones (née Kelis Rogers), was arrested at 4:30 AM on Friday in Miami after screaming racial slurs at two female police officers who were working undercover as prostitutes. She was released on $1,500 bond hours later, Miami-Dade County jail spokeswoman Janelle Hall said.

The officers were working an undercover operation in South Beach, when cops say Kelis started screaming racial obscenties at the women. I still don't know the race of the undercover hizzoes, or else I'd have listed some plausible obscenties for your reading pleasure. The crazy heiffer kept screaming at 5-0 and rushed toward them, until her party-pooper friends restrained her. Then she charged at them again and that's when she was cuffed!

According to the police report, Kelis' "actions caused people walking by to stop and form a crowd. The sidewalk was blocked by the disturbance, causing people to walk in the street and causing traffic to stop."

Stale-is was charged with two misdemeanor charges of disorderly conduct and for resisting arrest.

Way to go, Nas! She's a WINNER! Then again, considering his last wife was sleeping with A.I. and Jiggaman while she was still with him, this is probably an "upgrade" for the Queensbridge native. I'd rather be with someone that has tourette's than a philandering groupie ho (who's got a new tell-all book out a la Karinne Superhead Stefans).

Thursday, March 1, 2007

Reasons # 978 and 979 to Adopt

Denise Richards as the Man in Undercover Brother 2! Look at her ish! It's so stretched out it looks like a jizzsac!

This one speaks for itself. Looks like she ate the Peach Pit! Help her, Shannon Doherty!

Can You Milk Me, Focker?

>:-o Ai Leche! That translates to milk, but it's a term used on Guam for emphasis. It's also the phrase that came to mind when I found out about the nazis at Myspace.
I Fucking Hate MySpace
Yes, Myspace - the internet sensation made popular by high schoolers, egomaniacs and bored office workers. Myspace has been known to sever relationships, cause restraining orders to be filed, and now starve babies! Ok, maybe not quite, but the networking site has removed pictures of Melissa Rock breast feeding two little Rocks on her page. The reason? Myspace believes the images are "too sexual". Rocks, a mother of three from Tacoma, said she reposted the pictures and again, they were taken down. DENIED! The Myspace powers that be even threatened to delete her profile.

If you have ever been on Myspace, then you are familiar with the different types of pictures on the site.

1. There is the "funny picture": usually something outlandish like this JFC - T Shirt;

2. The "self-portrait": taken by oneself using a camera phone or in the mirror;

3. The "b!tch pic": photos of pets dressed in cutesy costumes (did you know there is a site called dogster?!?!?!);

4. The "club picture": taken at the club or before the club; and then there is

5. The "bedroom picture": pictures where the subject is wearing little or nothing and is usually in a compromising pose, trying desperately to bring sexy back.

A friend of mine dated a guy who had 10 pictures of himself SHIRTLESS on his page - too bad none of them relayed how short he is. In some of those h0mophotos, he's laying on the bed (SHIRTLESS). This same a$$ clown had pictures of girls that were rejected from a 2 Live Crew video shoot on his "friends" section. But I digress . . . FOCUS! This post is not about vanity smurf, it's about the cockos at Myspace who think that a picture of some attention-craving hoochie dropping down, getting her eagle on and showing her beef curtains is less sexual than a picture of a woman feeding her babies.

God knew what he was doing when He put milk in the mammories. Scientists have been researching breast milk for decades and numerous studies confirm that mama's milk is perfectly suited to nourish infants and protect them from illness. It contains just the right amount of fatty acids, lactose, water, and amino acids that are good for digestion, brain development, and growth. Not only is it natural, but It saves money too! Shoot, we should all start putting some of this stuff in our morning cup of coffee and bowl of Special K! Aaaand, breast feeding makes babies grow into happier and class-upwardly mobile people. P.Diddy drinks breast milk from a Cambodian immigrant and so should you! =D I can go on and on about the benefits of breast feeding, but I have a feeling none of my readers *two of you* are contemplating whether to use Similac or breast milk . . .

When I was about 11, right after my cousin was born, my aunt used to sit at the dinner table with us and after she was done eating, she'd pick up the baby, sit back down at the table, whip out a nip and latch my cousin onto it *all in one fell swoop*. I felt soooo uncomfortable just sitting there, but got over it - It's kind of like talking to someone with a lazy eye or a lady with a Burt Reynolds mustache.

So to those of you brainacs on the Myspace Orwellian board, leave Melissa Rocks and her page alone. Pop your momma's TT's out your mouth and grow up! You allow 15 year old girls to put pictures of their barely covered Nipsy Russels on their pages! Shame on you for making such a natural, beautiful act seem dirty. Don't make Melissa Rocks pay for the fact that you weren't hugged enough as a child.