Spring Fever

My eyes have been itchy and watery. People are riding around in their convertibles with the tops down (or as Nas says, “they TTs is out”). The sakura trees around the tidal basin are blooming and right outside my office, the trees are lined with white and yellow blossoms. SPRING IS IN THE AIR!! And as I have noticed for a few years now, with the change in weather, there’s a change in fools’ dispositions.

There is an old wives’ tale that says a young man’s fancy turns into thoughts of love in the spring. I think the word, “love” here is more than likely a euphemism for skeet, skeet, bang, bang. Amended for 2007: The twinkle in a young man’s eye - perhaps a reflection of the Christmas lights - turns into an itch in his bugle boy jeans in the spring.

Somehow, some pocket protector-wearing member of Lambda Lambda Lambda has proven scientifically that people pop, lock and drop it more in the spring and summer. The studies claim more trailers are a' knockin due to a hormonal response to . . . light! As it turns out, the increased hours of sunlight in spring makes all of us animal’s in God’s good kingdom wanna bump n’ grind to some R. Kelly 12play and then pee on each other! *Yes, I do realize I've referenced God, humping and golden showers in one sentence*

Maybe Thomas Edison was onto something with the lightbulb. Not only were early designs of the lightbulb phallic-y, but it turns out that light is an aphrodisiac! Who'da thunk? I mean Teddy P. kept telling his lover to "turn off the lights". Then again, try telling a man who brings home a butterface or a woman whose once tall, dark and handsome husband is now tall, fat and bald is standing next to the bed with his hole-y fruit of the looms and sweat-stained wife beater that light is a beacon for the inner-freak. Maybe it's not Chuck Norris at the other end of the tunnel with a flashlight, maybe it's a group of swingers with a bunch of light up adult toys??

The Tri-Lambs have discovered that light affects the body’s production of melatonin; and the right amount of that stuff is like an alarm clock letting your body know that uh to the tick tock you don’t stop, to the . . . I wanna sex you up! You see, apparently, all this is critical to animals that have to ensure their babies are born at the right time. Unfortunately, this also means that every hornball out there will be sitting in his Pontiac grand-am, with his windows down, blaring Young Jeezy and hollah hollah hollah-ing. And if you’re a woman between the ages of 15 to 55, you are all too familiar with these fools.

It’s also been scientifically shown that a lot of sufferers of Seasonal Affective Disorder make impulsive decisions to end serious sexual relationships in the spring. For when all the snow melts, men are like Austin Powers after he re-emerges from his cryogenic chamber where he and his mojo have been frozen for 30 years . . . So ladies, keep a watery, itchy eye on your man! Pop a few Claritin and look for the signs! Do your research! May I suggest: http://www.ho-check.com