Have A Rice Day!

Have A Rice Day!

Saturday, April 28, 2007

This Bores Me . . . Anyone Up for a Run in Central Park?


The no-deodorant, hairy armpit, baguette lovin Frenchies will be putting a new face in Élysée Palace when they elect a President on May 6.


And although there is much promise for the yet to be determined Chirac-successor to do well and blast Americans in his/her term, there is no promise for a first lady. Bernadette Chirac, who fulfilled her dutiful role as la Premiere Beeeetch, standing by her man, I’m-no-frere-Jacques, despite numerous allegations of his philandering oui-oui. She even threatened him and publicly stated that, "Convention meant that in this kind of situation you put up a front and just kept going. In any case I warned him often enough: the day Napoleon left Josephine, he lost everything.”


Corner #1: Ségolène Royal, the Socialist Party candidate, is not married to her baby daddy (they got 4), François Hollande. But more than that, they are political rivals. Kind of like the Ragin Cajun James Carville and his weezy, Mary Magdalene (Matalin), here in les Etats Unis. Hollande, who as head of the Socialist Party, who was almost the party’s candidate this time, says he will try to run in 2012 if his heterosexual life partner loses. And being an alpha male, he added that even if Royal won the election, he would not be joining her in the Élysée Palace. "I am not the one who is going to be elected," he said. "If Ségolène Royal wins, my situation doesn't change. It is Ségolène Royal who has a great responsibility and has to decide what is the best way of exercising it - including where she lives." Hollande then said, “Eeen Frahhnce, you dooo naht need two, you need one," A stark contrast to the Clintons’ campaign in 1992 when Billie and his overachieving Willie p!mped his wife and told the American pubic – I mean, public, they would be getting "two for the price of one”. Poor Hollande, the forgotten man of French presidential politics, the one who could have been a contender, instead he has been condemned to a small supporting role – while his woman is on her own Tour De France wh0ring herself Moulin Rouge style, he’s become Monsieur Mom, the French Steadman.


Corner #2: Nicolas Sarkozy, the conservative candidate, has been campaigning without his wife, Cécilia Sarkozy. When asked on a popular French tv show how she envisioned her life in 10 years, Madame Sarko-zeeznuts said, "In the United States, jogging in Central Park. I don't see myself as a first lady.” As if that weren’t enough a humiliating Ike Turner-eat-the-cake-AnnaMae-slap in her husband’s face and political career, she said “That bores me." Cécilia Sarkozy has apparently been busy strolling the Champs Elysee, shopping while her husband has been sprinting the campaign trail. Or perhaps while he’s been busy trying to get elected, she’s been getting busy with the pool boy or a PR executive. In 2005, Cécilia Sarkozy was crepe-ing (creeping, crepe-ing, get it?) with a prominent public relations executive and even left Nicolas, only to return with a flurry of publicity and genial warts.


In the 49-year history of the Fifth Republic, there have been other presidential couples that were “unconventional” avec problèmes matrimoniaux. When the wife of President Giscard d'Estaing, Anne-Aymone, was asked what she wanted to do most as first lady, she replied, "To no longer be one." And let’s not forget Francois Mitterand’s concealment of the existence his bastard daughter Mazarine for over 10 years. Talk about daddy issues . . .

Friday, April 27, 2007

Cold Cases - Unsolved Hip Hop Crimes

While you all dig for evidence and unearth secrets that might lead to the killers of B.I.G. and 2Pac, I'm busy contemplating these unsolved hip hop crimes (insert music from law and order). . . Speaking of Hibbidy Hop crimes - peep dude in the pic up top. H0m0 thug. Big shout out to Cam'ron who is everything against snitching - I mean, why should he be in favor of snitching? Someone just may snitch on how he was getting call his pinky pink wearing a$$ out of the closet.

Courtesy of the Onion

Now that a suspect has finally been named in the 2002 killing of Jam Master Jay, police have turned their attention to other unsolved hip-hop crimes. Here are some that are currently under investigation.

Theft of Ludacris' Jet Ski in 2004

The death of Big Pun, caused by unknown fast food chain or chains

Notorious incident at Diddy's 2004 White Party when an unidentified vandal purposely brought extra-saucy ribs that completely ruined the ivory tableau

Unsolved disappearance of the third Fugee


Two hundred million dollars that fell out of Jay-Z's pocket during a Nets game is, at press time, unreturned

Continued refusal of Kool Keith's estranged super-galactic lover to abide by the restraining order against her

Numerous members of the Chamillitary are AWOL and subject to court-martial

Two masked assailants shot Bushwick Bill on the operating table while he was being treated for an earlier shooting

The continual disappearance of 50 Cent's newspaper from the stoop of his $4.1 million Connecticut mansion

Saturday, April 21, 2007

Jean Claude Van Damme Putting the Bone in Zamboni



The Belge's Bulge!

How did Double Impact not win an Oscar? Here is footage of Jean Claude Van Damme on TV trying to resuscitate his limp career. If you look closely, you can see his little Universal Soldier at full attention, saluting his post-operative transvestite dance partner. If he were playing dance dance revolution, we'd have a new high score.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

That Ain't Monika Lewinsky


I wanted to share a photo from the AP website that I thought was just awesome! Abuelas Mercedes Martinez,(left)72, and Josefa Gamet, 62, make money posing for photos for foreign tourists in Old Havana, Cuba. In February 2007, Cuba began an island-wide ban on smoking in public places.

Computer Love

Just a click of the mouse will turn you from cyber dud to cyber stud!



This is from Will Ferrell's new site, Funny or Die. www.sjl.funnyordie.com I can't seem to link his hilarious short skit, "The Landlord" . . . but here's the URL. http://sjl.funnyordie.com/v1/view_video.php?viewkey=3efbc24c7d2583be6925

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Bad Week!

April 15 - April 21st should be marked as the deadliest week in American history. On April 19, 1993, David Koresh and 74 Branch Davidians died in Waco, Texas. Two years later, on April 19, 1995, 168 people died and 800 were injured in what is now known as the Oklahoma City bombing. A day and four years later on April 20, 1999, two teenage students carried out a shooting rampage, killing 12 students, wounding 24 others and committing suicide in the Columbine shootings, which until (April 16, 2007) the Virginia Tech shootings today, was known as the worst school shootings in American history. What is going on here? Do these acts have any connection to Adolf Hitler’s birthday, April 20? 4/20 is a day celebrated by many pot smokers. I always thought weed mellowed people out. Maybe all these random and senseless acts are sparked by deeply rooted feelings of disdain for the IRS or authority, in general? Who knows?!?!?! This is just sad. My prayers and condolences go to the students and their families.

Monday, April 16, 2007

it


eBay has just removed an item from its auction site. The "nappy headed hoes" doll pictured above was being sold online until someone reported the seller. You can still get these in Taiwan.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Word Up!!!

I had no idea growing up that Kameo's "Word Up" was go-go song. In fact, when I first moved here, I had a deep disdain for go-go music and most things native of the urrea. =) Nearly a decade in Chocolate City has changed me some. For instance. I love love love several go-go songs, including, "Sexy Lady" and "Sardines and Pork and Beans". Go-go has even hit radio stations in Nebraska with Beyonce and Amerie using go-go beats in their mainstream summer hits and Jigga's version of "Tha Overnight Scenario" getting much love from radio stations worldwide. It seems the DC Metro Urrea has put another mark on the map! I've been a subscriber of the Merriam Webster's and Urban Word of the Day Emails for some time. And this morning, the Urban Word of the Day for April 10, 2007 is (drumroll, please): BAMMA! Great success! This is a word that has become infused in my vocabulary.

Here is the definition from Urban Word of the Day.
Bamma: A general-multi used DC Metro area term used to describe a person who has no style, taste, or class. Usually this person has no idea that he/she is classified as a Bamma - rather they go about their daily lives thinking what they do, say, or wear is acceptable.

Example Sentence: That dude came to work with dress slacks and white tube socks..what a BAMMA!

For those of you who are visual learners: Here is an example of a Bamma (or three)


Friday, April 6, 2007

Stereotypes of an Engineer Misunderstood But It's Still All Good


This is from an ad that I saw on the MSN homepage today. I like how the therapist and psychologist are women - naturally, since we're the sane, comforting, understanding sex. But even more astute are the caricatures for the engineer, developer and network specialist. *Narf* Too funny!

Thursday, April 5, 2007

Spring Fever


My eyes have been itchy and watery. People are riding around in their convertibles with the tops down (or as Nas says, “they TTs is out”). The sakura trees around the tidal basin are blooming and right outside my office, the trees are lined with white and yellow blossoms. SPRING IS IN THE AIR!! And as I have noticed for a few years now, with the change in weather, there’s a change in fools’ dispositions.


There is an old wives’ tale that says a young man’s fancy turns into thoughts of love in the spring. I think the word, “love” here is more than likely a euphemism for skeet, skeet, bang, bang. Amended for 2007: The twinkle in a young man’s eye - perhaps a reflection of the Christmas lights - turns into an itch in his bugle boy jeans in the spring.


Somehow, some pocket protector-wearing member of Lambda Lambda Lambda has proven scientifically that people pop, lock and drop it more in the spring and summer. The studies claim more trailers are a' knockin due to a hormonal response to . . . light! As it turns out, the increased hours of sunlight in spring makes all of us animal’s in God’s good kingdom wanna bump n’ grind to some R. Kelly 12play and then pee on each other! *Yes, I do realize I've referenced God, humping and golden showers in one sentence*


Maybe Thomas Edison was onto something with the lightbulb. Not only were early designs of the lightbulb phallic-y, but it turns out that light is an aphrodisiac! Who'da thunk? I mean Teddy P. kept telling his lover to "turn off the lights". Then again, try telling a man who brings home a butterface or a woman whose once tall, dark and handsome husband is now tall, fat and bald is standing next to the bed with his hole-y fruit of the looms and sweat-stained wife beater that light is a beacon for the inner-freak. Maybe it's not Chuck Norris at the other end of the tunnel with a flashlight, maybe it's a group of swingers with a bunch of light up adult toys??


The Tri-Lambs have discovered that light affects the body’s production of melatonin; and the right amount of that stuff is like an alarm clock letting your body know that uh to the tick tock you don’t stop, to the . . . I wanna sex you up! You see, apparently, all this is critical to animals that have to ensure their babies are born at the right time. Unfortunately, this also means that every hornball out there will be sitting in his Pontiac grand-am, with his windows down, blaring Young Jeezy and hollah hollah hollah-ing. And if you’re a woman between the ages of 15 to 55, you are all too familiar with these fools.



It’s also been scientifically shown that a lot of sufferers of Seasonal Affective Disorder make impulsive decisions to end serious sexual relationships in the spring. For when all the snow melts, men are like Austin Powers after he re-emerges from his cryogenic chamber where he and his mojo have been frozen for 30 years . . . So ladies, keep a watery, itchy eye on your man! Pop a few Claritin and look for the signs! Do your research! May I suggest: http://www.ho-check.com